Top 5 Resolutions for 2014

People love resolving to accomplish tasks in the upcoming year; the arbitrary end point serving as a beacon that their hope-soaked procrastination will yield more favorable results than their current sloven nature.  Luckily, your humble and ever insightful author has sorted through all the internet's top New Year's Resolutions, thrown them all away, and written a concise set of guidelines for 2014 that are sure to improve your quality of life.

5. NO WASTING GYM SPACE:  You know who you are.  You're not serious about fitness.  You're probably not overly concerned with getting your own health in order.  But, because it's the thing to do, you'll find yourself spending a large portion of January, and perhaps some of February, in a gym frustrating yourself and others around you.  Keep in mind, this effect is aggregate: one guy wrist curling 12.5lbs while sitting on a calf machine isn't THAT problematic. However, when there are a dozen more idiots wasting bench, treadmill, and rack space, doing the same sort of asinine activities, the hallowed ground of self improvement becomes a bog of inconvenience and personal endangerment.  If you don't have the motivation to take care of yourself right now, you probably aren't going to get that extra GO juice just because the calendar changed.  Figure out what you really want and dedicate yourself to that...whenever that may be.

4.  ENCOURAGE SOMEONE ELSE:  New Year's Resolution failures have become so common that when a person actually does actually make a decision to improve their get life, we cynically mock them in our mind.  "She'll never lose the weight."  "He won't get a job."  "This blog is already excellent...it can't possibly improve." 

Sometimes, a few sincere words of encouragement or advice are what a person needs to get over the hump. 

"You're already beautiful--all you need is to make a few smarter health choices here and there."

"Those partial squats won't do anything for you except hurt your knees."

"I erased my debt a few years ago by using this easy excel spreadsheet..."

Being kind isn't that hard.  Maybe it will come back to you when you need it.

3. LEARN FROM LAST YEAR:  What did you want to accomplish in 2013?  Did you do it?  Why did you or did you not accomplish your goals?  Don't lean so far forward that you fall over.  The first of January means that you've just amassed a whole year of experiences from which you can draw wisdom.  You'd be a fool not to take advantage of that.

2. THE FEELS: Listen to yourself.  The world is pretty fast paced, both in reality and in our minds.  Take time to figure out what makes you tick.  Humans are constantly evolving creatures of immense emotional and mental depth.  With a changing environment, even the most self-aware person may be experiencing a new emotion, perception, or some other involuntary reaction.  Self-reflection is a powerful and effective form of improvement in all facets of life

1. RESOLVE TO BE RESOLUTE:  Even if you don't follow any of the above resolutions, choose to do something and follow through with it.  Getting healthy and making more money are great ideas, but they mean nothing if you don't follow through.  When was the last time somebody told you "Hey, those are really nice intentions you've got?"

Exactly. 

Make a plan, stick to it, and do work.

You're 21. Congrats.: a brief letter to two meaningful people

Today, you're 21.  Congratulations. You can legally buy alcohol in all the states of the union...and I'm sure you can do some other things, too.

Let's talk about expectations.  You're a grown up now.  That means bills.  And taxes.  Damn taxes.

Back to expectations: The only age-inhibiting hurdle left to concur is 25.  With that, you'll benefit from lower insurance rates and the ability to rent self propelled carriages.  Fun.
But, as I mentioned before, the world sees you as a grown up.  Think of 18-21 as a probationary adult period.  You're about to graduate college. Get a job.  Pay taxes.  Damn taxes.

Don't worry, you're ready.  Surely, you will doubt yourself sometime between now and your next birthday; there's a lot to ponder: how to get a job, potential life mates, pets, houses, bills, taxes. Damn taxes.

I happen to know you two pretty well, and I have to say, "if I can do it, you can do it."  Seriously, y'all are way better at life at 21 than I was, and I'm a perfectly sustainable survivor of The Tragedy of the Mid-Twenties.

My pride in you goes beyond the words of this blog.  You guys are awesome.  Keep it up.  All four quarters.  Close the deal.  Finish the race.  Claim your prize.  Take a shower.  Get a job.  Pay taxes.

Damn taxes.

Reasons Why I Am a Winner

Editor's note:
Your humble and beloved author, befuddled in his search for blog ideas, recently stumbled across his own greatness and fell into a pile of potential blog topics.  This new series, entitled "Reasons Why I Am a Winner," will chronicle ways in which said author wins at things that not winners do not and so on and so forth.

When, in the course of human events, multiple persons of a particular residence depart for disparate locations, leaving a lone inhabitant the lasting physical things from their sojourn, does an individual find himself in the midst of greatness.

A value box of hot chocolate mix and dutch chocolate vodka among them, our hero endeavored to conquer the masses surrounding him.

Really Really Hot Chocolate was made, imbibed, pondered, and blogged about.  And it was good.

Top 10 Supporting Bros

Greetings, Internet goers.  Now displayed on your screen is a consensus top 10 "Top 10" list of the best supporting bros the author can conjure. Entries were determined to be the best supporting bros based on their chronic lack of limelight and distinct essentialness to the organization or experience to which they are a party. Congratulate yourself on your find. Feel good? Good.  Feast thine eyes on rankings of glory.

10. Bernie Williams

Bernie comes in at the bottom of the list because, let's face it, it's hard to underrate a NEW YORK YANKEE.  Having said that, did you know that Mr. Williams led the Bombers in Wins Above Replacement (WAR) during the 4 championship seasons of the late 90's dynasty?  You didn't, because he didn't. The golden boy at shortstop did, but Bernie was right behind him. Playing behind (literally) the star middle infielder and under the shadow (figuratively) of Mantle and DiMaggio in center, Bernie never received the level of stardom befitting such an excellent player (of baseball and guitar).

9. Giancarlo Esposito

 

The author admits to a case of favoritism in this selection. But, seeing as how it's his blog and his list, there's not much you can do about it. Though, if the reader is a person of discerning taste (as your friends think you are) then surely there will be agreement in the selection. 

Esposito has served in various supporting roles for three decades now, on screens big and small, while receiving criminally little critical acclaim.  My sources sing his praises as a co-worker and the whole world has seen his grace in a lesser actor claiming his prize. 

Giancarlo Esposito: consummate professional, humble kisser, certified badass.

8. Gerald Ford

Okay, okay. This one is kind of out of place. But how can you not include a man who made it to POTUS without ever being elected by the people of the greatest nation on God's green Earth?  The level of expert supporting role playing is to be applauded. America Salutes you, Gerald Ford: The Matt Cassel of Presidents.

7.  Animated Eddie Murphy

A recent public opinion poll, conducted by yours truly, found that six of seven Americans surveyed ranked approval of Eddie Murphy's acting career higher than Congress, but lower than Ryan Braun and cold sores (small sample sizes produce some strange results).

Animated Eddie Murphy has worked tirelessly to atone for the sins of Live Action Eddie Murphy, and has been mostly successful.  Mushu and Donkey were great characters who definitely underpinned, or outshone (eh hem, Mulan...), the lead character.  For the on screen and real life support, Animated Eddie Murphy earns a solid seventh on this most esteemed of lists.

6.  The John C's (McGinley & Reilly)

These two fine gentlemen represent the most powerful Irish supporting actor duo the world has [likely] ever seen.  McGinley has played roles in several films of note.  You may have seen a few: Platoon, Wall Street, Highlander II, Office Space, 42...just to name a few.  Reilly has been in his share of notable films as well: What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Boogie Nights, The Thin Red Line, Gangs of New York, Anchorman, Talladega Nights...  These two have supported more hit makers than Dolly Parton's brassiere collection.  Did I mention that Reilly was also featured in an homage to the fifth ranked supporting bro...

5.  Nikola Tesla

Those among the readership who count themselves as dedicated to the pursuit of science know where this blurb is going.  For the scientifically uninitiated: Tesla invented electricity and Edison (aka The Man) was a hater and took credit for the incredible work Tesla accomplished as a part of Edison's firm.  Basically, Tesla's version of electricity is responsible for everything we use that doesn't have a battery, but our textbooks teach that Edison tried, and tried, and eventually through determination, free markets, eagles, and apple pie, invented the apple pie.

4.  Fozzie Bear

Aside from being the true creative genius behind the Muppets empire, the Foz has been relegated to supporting a frog who is notorious for having no idea what he's doing--

Fozzie Bear has battled years of desperation, low self esteem, and drug addiction to provide solid support to  not only the frog and the pig, but also to his second career as a hip hop artist and cereal mogul

3. Sean Bean

Need an actor to carry a character just to kill him off to carry your plot?  Sean Bean is your man.  The perpetually dead Mr. Bean has died in a film 26 times.  That's a guy that really knows how to take one for the team---the quintessential supporting bro...

2.  Bro, Luigi

No other video game has proliferated the digital marketplace like Mario Bros. But, what of the additional Bro who brings plurality to the aforementioned brothers?  He, born of the same uterus, raised in the same lifestyle, conqueror of the same villains, has been consigned to permanent sidekick status: Luigi has been Pippened.

1. Scottie Pippen

Noboby embodies the Supporting Bro like Scottie Pippen.  He was the second best player on a team that won six NBA championships.  He very well may have been the second best player in the world during that time, but he played with some kid from North Carolina who did everything pretty well and advertised a clever shoe.  Scottie is on this list for one reason, and many reasons, that has everything to do with Michael Jordan---He will forever be judged by the star he supported.  That phenomenon triggered it's own nomenclature....a verb befitting every star who isn't a star solely because of the timing and circumstance regarding the stardom of one of their peers.  Indeed, nobody likes to be Pippened, but life could be worse.  You could be Sean Bean.

5 Things That Would Be Better Than Sharkweek

Here are 5 things that would make better weeks than sharks, if only for a change of pace...

5. Dolphin Rape

 

4. A $1,000,000,000 competition to find Atlantis

3. Cats and dogs swimming together 

2. Sexy Sea Turtles

1. The Mantis Shrimp

Dick Winkles: A Twisted Tale of Heroism

 Dick Winkles isn't the hero Detroit deserves, but he's the one it gets right now

Dick winkles lives and dies with Chrysler. He lost his job when the company filed for bankruptcy in 2009. That's when Dick honed his craft as the best model airplane builder in the Greater Middle Michigan Sub-Metropolitan Area. Not the kind of air plane you out on a stick and then on your desk, the kind you put gas in and fly until some sniveling Boy Scout uses non sanctioned frequencies and crashes your prized  deHavilland biplane into a Wachovia building...

Like the Phoenix, Winkles rose from the ashes of miniature deHavilland--and Chrsyler LLC--to lend vision to the engineering of the new Viper's Powertrain.

Dick Winkles loves the Dodge Viper, almost to a fault.  "When [then Chrysler CEO] Bobby Lutz set out the viper mandate, he said he wanted to make Jose Canseco into a car. I didn't know who Mr. Canseco was, so I headed down to the library and fired up the Internet machine to see if I could look up the fella. I'd say, for a late 80's design team, they nailed their target. I have to stay true to that heritage," Winkles explained.  

Ralph Gilles, CEO of Chrysler's SRT branch, has his own thoughts on Mr. Winkles, "When I look at Dick I don't see where the vision comes from.  I mean, he's just not that impressive. But he made one helluva engine and that Viper will remake our brand...that way we can finally bring back the Stratus and no one will know...are you recording this?!"

Maybe Ralph is right. Maybe he isn't a hero. Maybe he's just a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight

A Dark Knight: The Dick Winkles Story

How to Know You're In Your Mid-Twenties

Today marks the pith of the author's Twenties.  It is the navel of the beer gut engorged by life's annuities of heart ache and alcohol; a singular point from which all of life's leadings and misleadings, trials, tribulations, triumphs, and happenstance can be viewed with the clairvoyant credentials of an individual having attained roughly 25 years of breathing and loving.  It is also where the author seems to collect most of his bodily lint. 

There are many things to be said about one's Twenties.  Most of those things really aren't worth saying or typing.  They are, however, evident all around us: in pop-culture, on the roadways, on this, our Internet.  Folks in their Twenties could rule the world.  Their spirit, not yet torn asunder by the rigors of age, is propelled into and onto the world by peaking hormones and enough education to make them lethal.  Having broken the bonds of youth's ignorance and naivete, they are poised to act on their hopes and dreams and force them on the rest of the Earth...Nay, the UNIVERSE.

The Tragedy of the Mid-Twenties™ is an egocentric crisis unlike any other.  Those caught in the middle are besieged on all sides by constant reminders of their idiotic past and pathetic future.

Your twenty-two year old friend who went drink to drink with you last night experience none of the ill-effects of the binge.  And boasts of their immunity to hangovers.  Ignoramus.  You know not of the wicked spells nature and time play on the body.  You will learn.

The work associate's 29th birthday, still three weeks away, that he's bemoaned since the 28th celebration of this miserable cretin's existence on our planet.  Twenty-nine, you know, is only a year away from thirty.  Life stops at thirty.  You get ugly and people will tell you.  Everyday.  "Thirty is the Eye of Sauron, looming over my impending doom," he seemed to say. 

Do not let the young or aged deter your absolute-mindedness.  Let not the existential matter filter into your consciousness and erode the solidarity therein.  Be bold.  Be yourself.  Enjoy the pinnacle of individuality.  It'll never be this good again.  And don't blog with your eyes dilated--sensory overload may affect the mind's ability to form rational thoughts.

A special thanks to Travis, my social media muse, for the topical inspiration.  You can find his collection of bloggy things here